Pace Yourself! Love is not a race.

 

How many times have you let yourself get way too invested in -let’s face it- an ok date? You know, when you go on a date with an average guy and suddenly become super obsessed with him because you just haven’t had something serious in a while and this could possibly-maybe-hopefully turn into something real. The truth is you know when a guy or girl is just not going to cut it fairly early in the non-existent relationship. I’m not saying make snap decisions and judge on the first twentysomething (see what I did there?) minutes but it’s easy to get carried away with the idea of love.

I personally have always been the girl with a boyfriend, now, don’t go judging me just yet it doesn’t mean that I’ve had a very large number of them.

You know that episode in How I Met Your Mother where at the beginning Ted gets a call from an old lady that just says “Ted, the window is open” and hangs up? In this episode the old lady was giving Ted a heads up about a girl that he considered perfect girl and the fact that she was now single. This girl was always in a relationship and when she broke up with someone she wasn’t single for long. Well, if you have no clue what I am talking about, then go watch the episode (it’s hilarious – season 5 episode 10). However, if you remember this episode I will go ahead and say; this is me. I’ve always been in relationships. Some people might say “dude, you need to be alone to find yourself and love yourself blah-blah-blah…” and to those people I will say; been there, done that. I know who I am and I love myself plenty.

I don’t regret any of the decisions I’ve made and I certainly don’t regret dating any of the guys I’ve dated. I’ve learned something with every one of them. Sometimes they are lessons that come from bad situations, sometimes I get lucky and learn from amazing experiences. The trick is seeing them as such -I am getting off topic here. The reason why I wanted to write this post is because just like I am able to accept the fact that I’m the girl that always has a boyfriend, I am also capable of accepting the fact that sometimes I rush into things just for the sake of being in a comfortable relationship where it’s acceptable to wear sweats to watch a movie instead of having to prep for two hours before so that you look perfect and impress him with your good looks.
Of course meeting someone new always brings a rush, from the first time you meet to the first kiss or the first time they text you something cute. You get butterflies in your stomach and get all excited thinking this person very well could be The One. Don’t get me wrong it’s a great feeling, but sometimes I think we get distracted by the moment to see what that person is really like. In other words “the honeymoon” phase of relationships. But what happens when you’re a month into this phase and still don’t know where you stand?

It seems like this part of the non-relationship is the hardest one, at least for me. I am not a very patient-anything-goes kinda girl. So, when I first meet someone I want to know their intentions right away -not saying I want to get serious today, but a heads up about what they are looking for is helpful. I’ve concluded it is because of the cultural differences I have to deal with by living in the United States. In Mexico, it’s all mostly clear from the beginning (this is definitely not an absolute, though, there are certainly guys who just want to see how far they can get with you before “dumping” you) If a guy likes you, he asks you out, takes you out, picks you up, basically he courts you. The next day you are for sure hearing from him, and you become a thing. So from the moment he asks you on a date he has pretty much established that he likes you enough and wants to be serious about where this is going. In the U.S., I find it can be like that, initially but it never lasts, you go out on a date, and then he may or may not text you for a couple days. The worst part, though, is when you’ve been hanging out with this person for a solid three weeks if not a month and from here to when you have “The Talk” it can seem like eons.

So, you are left wondering, if you two are exclusive or if they are maybe seeing other people besides you. It would be easy to just ask, but doing that so soon will more than likely be taken the wrong way -as in this person is desperate. Which I think is the lamest thing ever, we are not children anymore, why wouldn’t you be allowed to ask what is going through the other person’s head? What is the point of playing these annoying little games with each other?

Some people argue that it’s the thrill of the chase that makes all these games interesting and worth it, I don’t necessarily disagree but after a month and a half has gone by when its pretty obvious that you spent most of your free time together and talk every day, it shouldn’t be about games anymore. I am a very blunt person, maybe that’s why a lot of guys run as far away from me as they can once they know. The truth is, though, I like being blunt and saying what’s on my mind with no censorship, although it can bring negative outcomes I think when the right guy rolls around he will appreciate it. Like the one in the story, I’m about to tell you…

I had recently broken up with my boyfriend and decided to try Bumble, I had matched with this guy that for the sake of the argument we will call Jax. He seemed perfect, close to getting his school done, his career choice was nothing short of noble and adorable, had the greatest sense of humor, and to me was extremely attractive, he was the right age, and he even shared the same values as me. My little diamond in the rough! (why yes, I am a Disney fan thank you very much!) I convinced Jax to come have a beer at the brewery where I work a random Friday night, and the whole time he was there I could feel myself getting completely infatuated with this guy.

We ended up going to a show after I got off work and had a grand time! We drank a lot of beer, danced, joked around. I thought about how much I needed this distraction, how awesome it was to be out with him, how we had so much in common. After a while, we ended up going back to his place where I planned on getting an uber to my place. While we were there, he kissed me and I vaguely remember this embarrassing conversation;

“So, what do you want?” I asked, probably slurring my words.
“What do you mean?” he said surprised at my question.
“From me? What do you want from me?” Now, don’t think that I was trying to get into a relationship, this was just me a bit drunk and trying to find out if this guy was only interested in having sex.
“Uhm, well I just met you today, but it’s been fun,” He said, obviously, because what kind of person is prepared for a question like that on a first date! The next morning I was so embarrassed that I decided to let this one play out and not say anything anymore.

To my surprise, this guy did not head for the hills. He ended up texting me the next day, and the next day, and the next day. We basically got in the awkward we’ve been seeing each other for a month now and don’t know where we stand. Where I generally would’ve started some sort of conversation about what we mean to each other by this point, I have decided to let him do it when he was good and ready.

Doing this has made it more real than ever before, more mature I suppose. While I don’t regret asking him that the first night we met, I was somehow perfectly fine waiting before getting too involved with him now. It gave me the time to really get to know him and figure out if he really is all that I had made him out to be in my head.

I was always the one rushing to get passed the first phase of a relationship, and now I am not. For the first time, I was taking my time and enjoying every little moment that I spent with this guy, at the same time enjoying every minute that I was not with him. I used to be the girl who disappeared into a couple when in a relationship, being with my significant other every day, and with him I actually had more time to myself, which made me appreciate our time together even more.

What I discovered with this is that I was a lot more comfortable being myself, and didn’t feel the need to be super careful to not drive him away. I am very happy that I had finally realized that all those other times that I rushed into something, could’ve lasted longer I had given it the time to flourish, or maybe I would’ve realized that we weren’t right for each other and would’ve never gotten in a serious relationship with them. I wouldn’t say I wasted time with them because I think if I hadn’t I wouldn’t have known the difference I see now.

Pace yourself. Take the time to really experience the other person and see if they measure up to what you know you want and deserve. Love is not a race, why should you compromise just for the sake of having someone around?

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17 Comments Add yours

  1. thetravelpockets says:

    I was a lot like you and was usually straight forward and asked questions of the other persons intentions. I’ve been married for about 8 years now and since then all these new dating apps have been out. Crazy that it didn’t exist 8 years ago. I wonder how that has changed the dating scene.

    Like

    1. The Random Twenty Something says:

      Wow! Well, congrats on the eight years! The dating apps I think have both positive and negative attributes. It is an easy way to meet new people, especially in a new city. Also, because of the anonymity, it can be an outlet for creeps. I’ve had good experiences so far. Thanks for the sharing!

      Like

  2. Glenny D says:

    love it. I think with the generation of ME it has changed the way ‘dating’ used to be. People are more afraid to show vulnerability and more willing to ‘play the game’. With the help of technology, it’s also easier to hide behind a cellphone screen than it is to plan a date and get to know the person over coffee. I play both sides of the story and I thrived on being chased but when I do find someone I can connect with, I ask them straight up what they want and to go from there. at the end of the day, we all need to know what we’re willing to settle for and we actually deserve.

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    1. The Random Twenty Something says:

      You are so right! It is super important to know what you deserve and what you are willing to settle for. I think asking is always better because it leaves no room for misunderstandings that can get you hurt. Things are definitely very different nowadays with all the dating apps, it is very easy to hide behind your phone. At the same time, is does bring unlikely people together, that might not have met otherwise. Thank you for your comment!!!

      Liked by 1 person

  3. Diana says:

    I felt so much for this post! I could relate a lot with you, and I definitely agree with what you said about pacing yourself. Just like you, I’ve also been the one to ask what the guy I am seeing wants from me on the first date, and I’ve also realized that it was one of the things that actually scared people away. I don’t, however, regret anything as these experiences made me learn a lot. I love this post! Thanks for writing and sharing it! ❤ Diana

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    1. The Random Twenty Something says:

      Thank you for your comment, Diana! I am glad you could relate, I think it was what was driving some people away from me too or it made me keep guys that weren’t worth it around for too long. There is definitely nothing wrong with asking but I think that timing is everything, so I try to be a little more cautious so, that when I do ask, I am sure that that person is someone I want to be with.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Diana says:

        I need to remind myself what you have just said about timing because I am doing really bad at it lately. Lol. I am glad to know it’s working out for you. 🙂

        Liked by 1 person

      2. The Random Twenty Something says:

        I know what you mean, its seems like it would be easier to just get it out of the way, but timing is everything for sure. If you need anyone to talk to know that you can always contact me through my email and I’d be happy to lend an ear! arandomtwentysomething@gmail.com

        Liked by 1 person

      3. Diana says:

        I’d love to do that! Thank you! I’m taking a note of your e-mail! 🙂

        Liked by 1 person

  4. Heydy Lopez says:

    I loved your honesty and openness. I was the same way… I guess you could say that I was trying to fill an empty void that I have had for years. Throughout the years, I’ve come to realize this and it has made me the women I am today. You gave some great advice ❤

    Like

    1. The Random Twenty Something says:

      Heydy, Thank you for your comment! I think sometimes we do try and get in relationships to avoid feeling lonely or facing out problems alone. I’m glad you have realized this, and are filling your void with more of you! I’m glad you liked my advice and I hoped it helped a little bit!

      Like

  5. Hey Delia says:

    This is so true. I am mexican and I totally understand the difference between the whole “dating” here in México and dating in US. Basically around here we hang out, we don’t do dates, once you start dating then it is all formal, and still I hate dating. At the moment I recently broke up but on the era where everything is through a screen I found that the most honest relationship that I had was my LD one. For now I want to remain single, but who knows what Universe has for me.

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    1. The Random Twenty Something says:

      Thank you for sharing Delia! It definitely is very different. It doesn’t mean than one is better than the other, just that we need to get better at understanding and adapting.

      Like

  6. Rica@ Yoga Mat Monkey says:

    Really good lesson here. Love is indeed not a race, although sometimes it feels like a cold slap in the face or a sharp pain in the ass. But it’s usually pretty amazing, and taking our time to examine and really “feel” things makes it all the more special. Lovely post!

    Like

    1. Thank you for your comment! I agree completely, taking the time to “feel” things makes all the difference in the world. Although, love can certainly not turn out like what you expected and slap you on the face, in the end I bet there is at least one thing you learned from the experience and in my eyes, that makes it worth it!

      Like

  7. DRB says:

    Loved this! I’m 20 years old and I seriously sometimes feel like time is running out for me, which is ridiculous. Always need to be reminded that the time comes when it does and I have no control, but to find peace in the lack of control. Thanks!

    Like

    1. I’m glad you liked it and were able to relate! 20 is definitely not even close to running out of time! Love will come when you least expect it and when you need it most, but it is super important that you nourish it instead of drowning it! Keep being positive and believe me sometimes control is the hardest thing to master but whenever its real, somehow it is not as hard as it seems when you know what’s at stake! Thank you for your comment!

      Like

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